Shawn Collins' Blog ⋆ Affiliate marketing and other stuff from Shawn Collins, co-founder of Affiliate Summit.

I Graduated from College 30 Years Ago Today

May 20, 2023 by Shawn Collins

I dreaded graduating college. After a rough start where I got a 1.0 GPA and landed on academic probation, I straightened things out. It took five years and one summer session (a Spanish class in a room with no A/C in the hot Maryland summer), but I finished what I started on May 20, 1993.

The graduation ceremonies were pretty uneventful. I was just waiting for it to be over and get on with things. I had to look back to see that Dr. Frank M. Snowden, Jr., Distinguished Professor emeritus of classics at Howard University, was the commencement speaker.

My mind was focused more on what the hell I was going to do. I neglected to get an internship and didn’t really have any marketable skills, even though I thought my activities and offices in school merited a two-page resume.

I left campus with no job and no idea what I was going to do with my Communications degree.

It all really hit me when I gave from graduating senior speech at my Pi Kappa Alpha Graduation Party. I was overwhelmed by the future as I double-fisted cheap champagne and babbled some words about all of the memories at the frat.

When I packed my things, I moved home with my dad for a while. I was sending out resumes like crazy to all sorts of jobs and hundreds of fraternity alumni in the area. I got rejected from all of them, but I did get some cool rejection letters from U.S. Senators and congressmen who were in my fraternity.

As I kept sending out applications and resumes, I pounded the pavement in my hometown, and most stores didn’t want me because I was overqualified. I finally ended up at the front desk of the Comfort Suites in Laurel, MD for $5.50/hour. It was crappy shift work, but it was something. After a few months, I became an Assistant Manager at the local Blockbuster for $7.00/hour.

The low point was when an old high school friend stopped in and said they thought I went to college.

Later in 1993, I got an administrative job at the University of Maryland for less than $9.00/hour with no benefits. I stayed there until moving up to New York City and getting a start in magazine publishing at a few stops. Finally, I had some meager benefits and could start chipping away at credit card debt, student loans, car payments, etc.

All along, I was optimistic that I was going to find my place. I’d hoped I could work as a writer, but my total take was $100 for one article at the defunct New York Press.

I was 27 and still didn’t have any direction. And then, one day, I was looking at the classifieds and saw a job with a start-up that needed a marketing person for their new affiliate program. I was curious about it but had never taken a marketing class. My entire knowledge was that I’d joined the Amazon affiliate program earlier in 1997 to try and make some extra money.

I dazzled the guy hiring for the position by dropping some buzzwords I’d remembered from Amazon, and I got the job. At 27, I got the first job that I enjoyed, and I found the industry I’d work in for decades.

While in the industry, I wrote lots of columns and books for money, so I got to be a writer after all.

So, if you’re a recent graduate or still looking for the right spot way later in life, don’t freak out. The path to success, contentment, and happiness isn’t straight and may not make sense, but you can get there.

I got some of my favorite advice when former New York Yankees pitcher, author, and entrepreneur, Jim Bouton, gave the keynote speech at Affiliate Summit in 2006.

“I stumbled on the secret of success, and that is persistence… you don’t have to be educated, you don’t have to be talented, you don’t have to be rich, you don’t have to be lucky. It’s available for anyone.

I’m convinced most people don’t fail, they simply stop trying. If persistence is the key to success, how does one be persistent?

I believe, from my experience, the answer to that you must love the process. You must love what you’re doing. Not the success, not the reward, not the bonus, the trophy. None of that stuff.

Just the process. If you love what you do, you have a chance to be successful at it. I think everyone needs to do what they love, or find a way to love what you’re doing.

If you focus on the process, you achieve the goals more often.”

I was really scared in 1993 and for many years after. But just like with my rough start in college, I eventually came out on the other side after I found love for the process of my work.

Affiliate Summit Sort of Started as a Spite Store

May 5, 2023 by Shawn Collins

In April 2003, I attended an affiliate marketing event on a cruise ship out of Miami. This was the third year it took place on a ship after an inaugural version on land.

Over those years, I met Missy Ward at these events and became conference friends. While sitting at a bar on the ship in 2003, we realized we were both unhappy with the event’s direction.

We had provided much help to make it happen, and I was the top affiliate referring attendees. The last straw for me was when the organizer got up in front of the crowd and thanked me for telling him he wouldn’t have to pay me the many thousands of dollars I had earned through referrals because the numbers were tight for him to make the cruise happen.

I never had that discussion with him, and I was counting on the money as the sole provider for my expanding family (Kerri, baby #3, was due later that year).

I was furious, and he said he could do nothing about it because he didn’t have the money to pay me.

So anyway, Missy and I were chatting about it, and in the fog of many drinks, we decided we’d create a competing event that was bigger and better.

The one hitch was that we had neither the experience to start a conference nor any money to put into it, but we wanted to make it happen.

In May 2003, we chatted on the phone (one of fewer than a dozen we would have over the next couple of decades) and decided to make it happen.

On May 19, 2003, AffiliateSummit.com was registered. We didn’t have funds to incorporate, get a professionally designed site, etc. So, we did it all ourselves because we were ambitious and passed off.

Thinking back, it’s like the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode in 2020, where Larry David has a run-in with a guy who operates a coffee shop, and he decides to open a competing coffee shop next door.

The original plan was to do a cruise conference in 2004 to compete head-on, but I suggested we do a smaller, cheaper event in 2003 to get the name out there and build some momentum.

Our site was ugly, and we didn’t have a payment processor (we used my PayPal account), couldn’t afford to incorporate, and had no money to rent a space. But we were stubborn, and it was going to happen.

As it turned out, a friend mentioned that the marketing department at Baruch College, a few blocks from my office then, allowed people to run events in their space for free in exchange for allowing some of their marketing students to attend for free.

I reached out and struck a deal with them that included free A/V and everything – we just had to pay to bring in lunch for the attendees.

We decided to set a low price ($75 for the whole day, including lunch) and then called in favors to get friends to staff it, and our industry friends stepped up as sponsors and speakers.

Our little venture was immediately profitable, and people liked what we did. We were sold out a month before the conference.

That first event was a big hit, and we rolled the success into the 2004 cruise. The people in the industry had shifted to our event, and the guy with the other event ended up canceling and screwing many other people out of money.

In the span of a year, he went from being the main event in the industry to going out of business. He topped out at around 200 attendees. At the end of our run, we were pushing about 8,000 in Las Vegas, and he is long gone from the industry.

There is a lesson in there for you… treat people with respect and honor your obligations, so you don’t get obliterated by a spite store.

Please Make a Small Donation to Help More Kids Play Soccer

February 1, 2023 by Shawn Collins

Help! I’m taking part in the 31st Annual Austin Marathon Gives to raise money for Soccer Assist, who do great work for a cause that’s very close to my heart.

The organizational mission of Soccer Assist is to help underserved, deserving youth (ages 7-11) participate in well-organized soccer leagues.

In doing so, their collective goal is to add to, diversify, and strengthen the players and families involved in the “Beautiful Game” in the Austin community.

If you are able, please donate to Soccer Assist in my fundraising project on GivenGain – this is my second year doing it and I am trying to raise $1,500.

Soccer Assist is a tax-exempt 501(c)(3) charitable organization.

Please donate any amount to help more kids play soccer.

Back to Las Vegas For The First Time Since 2020

January 20, 2023 by Shawn Collins

I am heading back to Las Vegas. It’s the first time since late January 2020 that I have visited and my first time without being a part of Affiliate Summit.

From 2005 through 2020, I was in Las Vegas every year, sometimes multiple times.

But this time it is different. I am going to have some friends, learn some things, make some memories and deals, and do absolutely no conference stuff.

I am excited to not have all of that pressure on me this time and to be able to take more time to enjoy the city. In a decade and a half, I barely wandered more than a couple of blocks off of the Strip.

When I left Las Vegas in January 2020, it felt like a huge chapter was closing after so many beautiful friends came together to give a couple of amazing sendoffs to Missy Ward and myself.

We were supposed to go to New York City for one last event in the summer of 2020, before my time with Affiliate Summit was up, but as we all know, there were no business conferences that summer.

It’s a weird sense of excitement and mourning as I make my way to Las Vegas. I am dying to see all of the people, but it’s also a time of reflection on an era that is over.

For all of those years, we were this big tribe together. We were part of something, all of us building it in different ways. It was a long, magical time that I miss.

It will be weird this time, but seeing so many people who are important to me will be wonderful. And then there are some people I won’t bother to seek out, but I have a song dedication for them…

See a bunch of y’all soon.

Soccer is More Than a Sport to Me

October 18, 2022 by Shawn Collins

On October 16, 2017, soccer pundit Grant Wahl Tweeted: “Columbus Crew owner Anthony Precourt is set to move team to Austin, Texas, in 2019 if downtown stadium can’t happen in Columbus. Story soon.”

That Tweet set off a firestorm on Twitter of angry Columbus soccer fans and excited Austin soccer fans. And I was there for every second of it sharing my enthusiasm about the prospect of having MLS in Austin.

It was perfect timing for me. I was in a bad place as I worked through the steps leading to divorce after 21 years of marriage. The soccer controversy gave me something to hold onto and hope for, and dream about.

In addition to the action on Twitter, there were a series of events, discussions, and Austin City Council meetings about soccer in Austin. I started meeting some of the other people who were pushing for MLS in Austin.

I spent a lot of time at City Hall, speaking and supporting others who were behind the effort. One of the meetings went to nearly sunrise, and it was worth it (though my dogs didn’t like that I was gone so long).

It was a roller coaster of a time that bonded a bunch of us with attacks and doxxing from people in Columbus, some Austin City Council members doing all that they could to tank the effort, and a difficult time finding a suitable location for a stadium.

In August 2018, there was finally a City Council vote, and it went 7-4 in favor of a soccer stadium at McKalla Place… the current Q2 Stadium. Afterward, people from the Austin soccer community, City Council members, and Austin FC employees get together to celebrate with beers at Austin soccer bar, Haymaker.

Then on August 22, 2018, there was an event at the North Door to announce the Austin FC name and logo, and we got the first hats and shirts with the team on them.

But Austin still needed an actual team to play in the approved stadium. That was all worked out later in 2018 when it was decided the Columbus Crew would stay in Columbus and Austin would get a new team.

The official announcement of Austin FC joining MLS in 2021 took place January 12, 2019 at The Hoffbrau and it was amazing to celebrate with everyone about having a real team start playing in two years.

Throughout 2019, there were monthly Meet and Greets with Austin FC executives, including Sporting Director Claudio Reyna, Head Coach Josh Wolff, and Club President Andy Loughnane.

With each event, we were getting more amped up. Nobody realized on March 4, 2020, at an Austin FC Q&A at Valentina’s Tex Mex BBQ that it would be the last time a lot of us would see each other for a long time. Just a couple of weeks later, the world shut down.

Construction had started on Q2 Stadium, but I wasn’t sure if it would be paused and put the 2021 start in jeopardy. I would drive over there and check out the progress often, since I couldn’t really go anywhere else.

It was a relief when MLS pulled off a season in 2020, and as we moved on to 2021, it was announced that Austin FC would be on the road to start the season while the finishing touches were put on the stadium.

My first game was an away match against the Colorado Rapids, and it felt so good to see the first-ever Austin FC goal by Diego Fagundez and the first win for the club.

Soon after, I was able to get a tour of Q2 Stadium as a season ticket holder, and I knew I’d found my new church.

Austin FC came in second to last in the Western Conference in their first year, and I was just ecstatic that it was real. We had a team.

The 2022 season was a whole lot better on the field, with a second-place finish in the Western Conference.

And it was just too poetic that on October 16, 2022 – five years to the day of the Grant Wahl Tweet, Austin FC won their first playoff game.

Each time I walk into Q2 Stadium, I am home. It feels good to be there, and makes me happy.

Soccer is an escape, a thing to share and experience with the people I love, a place where I am part of something. It’s been part of the fabric of who I am since I was little and started playing.

And so many times, I’d go with my dad and brother to cheer on the Washington Diplomats, Team America, and the Baltimore Blast.

Soccer is more than a sport to me.

Medical Cannabis Has Helped So Much With My 9/11 PTSD

September 28, 2022 by Shawn Collins

I think about September 11, 2001, daily. I was on the east side of 5th Avenue near the Empire State Building when I heard screams. I looked up. It was 10:28:22 AM, and the North Tower collapsed right before me.

After a long journey by foot, ferry, bus, and hitchhiking, I made it home late in the afternoon.

A few days later, I was back in Manhattan at my desk, trying to be normal. But I couldn’t. I was a mess every second in the city, on the commute, and at home.

Severe emotional distress and sleepless nights became normal as I tried to carry on with things. It was a continual struggle.

When the 9/11 museum opened, I went to have a look. I thought it would be healing. I was wrong. It was my worst day in a long time.

I started looking for therapists who specialized in PTSD when I got home, and I finally had some relief for the first time in over a decade as we worked through things.

It helped, but it wasn’t enough.

Fast forward to January 2019 and I was in Las Vegas for Affiliate Summit. People were talking about going to dispensaries for weed, which was recently legalized in Nevada. I figured I would go along and check it out.

I had never tried marijuana before this and bought some edibles. I didn’t know what to expect, and I liked how it felt. For the first time in so long, I was at peace and slept well.

After returning home, I fell back into the regular routine that I’d gotten used to—flashbacks, depression, sleeplessness, nightmares, etc.

Then in 2021, my therapist recommended medical cannabis as a treatment option following the expansion of the Texas Compassionate Use Program to include PTSD as a qualifying condition.

After starting medical cannabis, it was like a weight was lifted in my waking and sleeping hours. I finally had real relief after two decades.

I am so thankful for Texas Original’s medical cannabis – it has changed my life and given me back a good normal.

My Dad Passed Away 20 Years Ago Today

June 12, 2022 by Shawn Collins

My dad died on June 12, 2002, and he was 61. Twenty years ago already. He was only nine years older than I am now and that’s weird to think about.

In my professional life, I’ve probably spoken in front of crowds one hundred times or so. By far the most difficult time I ever had speaking was when I delivered his eulogy.

Here is the eulogy I gave for him…

Well, Gary decided to retire early. I’m sure you know that he was supposed to retire next year. He’d been giving a countdown to that day for quite a while.

Yep – he left early. Nobody ever said that he was conventional.

Just a few days ago, I came to terms with the fact that I would never again have a mid-day chat with him about up-and-coming guys on the Yankees.

This past week, we would have been talking about how Nick Johnson is coming along, and how great it was that this kid Marcus Thames jacked out a home run on his first-ever Major League pitch.

Before the day he left us, the scariest day in my life was Sept 11, 2001. On that day, I saw the 2nd WTC tower collapse before my eyes from Fifth Avenue.

I didn’t know if I was going to ever make it home, and when I was finally able to talk to my Dad, I felt a little safer. I always did.

But this past Wednesday, I lost a tower much closer to home – I leaned on him more times than I can remember.

I think if I had to sum him up in a handful of words, I’d say he always gave more than he took. He would sacrifice anything to make things easier for his boys, and it was always with a smile on his face.

He taught me right from wrong, how to be a man, a father, a friend, and a good person. He taught me that the secret to life is to share what you have and love your family and friends every day.

Grenade (that’s what his family called him) enjoyed the simple, but wonderful things in life like grandchildren (everybody I talk to tells about how everything for him revolved around Caity, Shea & Lexie), Yankee baseball (especially pouring over the stats), Trivial Pursuit at the Sanchez house on holidays, U of MD sports (the last time that we were together was watching the Terps beat Kansas in the Final Four), listening to music in his living room, chatting it up with just about anybody, doing a crossword puzzle, dogs, the American flag, watching movies on his wide-screen TV that is three feet from his recliner, and cold beer in a frosted mug.

He was a real original – and you know he liked you if he ever busted your chops.

Something else he really liked was happy kids. All through growing up, he would alternate coaching my brother and me in soccer at the Laurel Boys & Girls Club, where he met lifelong friends like Ray.

But he wasn’t just there for us – he was the surrogate dad for tons of kids in the ’70s and ’80s.

Even after we were older and no longer playing ball, he was there as a coach, a coordinator, a commissioner – you name it. And he threw the best end-of-year parties for his teams. Not those kinds of parties at a pizza joint – he’d put together these great parties at our house that lasted all day.

The grill was going, sodas, ice cream, candy, all sorts of games, contests, and prizes. It made him so happy to see kids happy.

For that reason, our family asks that anybody who is interested in making a donation in his name please make it to the Laurel Boys and Girls Club soccer program.

These donations will go towards covering the fees for underprivileged kids to get out there, play soccer, and feel good about themselves.

But it wasn’t just the kids – it was so important to him that everybody was happy. Just this past Mother’s Day, his last day at home before going to the hospital, he was feeling lousy and a lot of people could tell.

That didn’t matter to him as much as making sure that he made it over to his mother-in-law Claire’s house to give her candy for Mother’s Day.

Everybody here knows it, but I’ll say it anyway – Gary was such a proud and selfless man – he refused to be self-indulgent. His dream was to go to Ireland, but he always said next year on that one.

When my wife Vicky and me were first married, we didn’t have a lot of money, so he invited us to join him for a vacation in the Poconos. Of course, he insisted on covering everything.

Anyhow, he booked rooms for him and us at this ramshackle motel. He could have stayed at a nice place by himself, but he didn’t. That was so typical of him – he’d always choose love over luxury.

Each year, while he was saying he’d go to Ireland next year, he would take his money and bring his boys and their families to Wildwood, NJ. That was always a great time with rich memories.

Over the years, the group has gotten bigger at Wildwood with his sister, Joan, and her family – Bob, Kelly, Donna, Patrick, Dave, Steve, Chase, Lane, and Ian.

The last day of his Wildwood vacation was always about what he had to get for his friends – lots of Jersey corn for Brian and the rest of the gang at the Greene Turtle, fudge for his co-workers – it was all about bringing his happy times to others.

Before he went into the hospital, his check had already cleared for the deposit for all of us to go there for Labor Day Weekend this year. And we’ll be there.

But somebody had different plans for him. He’s on to a better place now – a place where he can wear his red pants and purple shirts, tip some cold ones, joke around, watch Charlie Chan movies, read the sports page, make strangers happy, sing songs, and look down at all of the people that he has affected, and know that he made a positive difference in their lives.

Please don’t mourn his death too much today – you know he wouldn’t like that – he always said that when he passed away, he wanted everybody to celebrate his life.

So sing some songs, tell some stories, laugh, hug, and cry – today is Gary’s going away party, and he wants everybody to have a good time.

Please join us after this service for his send-off at the Greene Turtle – we’re throwing him a last hurrah with lots of food and an open bar for all. And the Yankees are playing the Mets this afternoon – the big Roger Clemens/Mike Piazza game.

Come on over to the Turtle – that’s where Gary would have been today, and he’d have loved to see you there.

Let me just end this with a little toast for Gary:

May your glass – mug #246 at the Greene Turtle – be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven a half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead.

I love you, Dad.

Goodbye.

Rest in power, dad – I’m off to have a Bud in your memory.

Check Out My Airbnb in Austin

March 30, 2022 by Shawn Collins

I had a garage apartment built at my house last year, and beginning this past February I put it up on Airbnb.

This coming weekend will be my 7th weekend in a row to have guests staying over and the people who have booked range from locals looking for an Austin staycation to folks from the east and west coasts checking out Austin for a variety of reasons.

The apartment, Moontower Loft, was named for the moontowers (or moonlight towers) that you may remember from the movie Dazed & Confused.

Anyhow, the loft apartment is close to downtown Austin and can sleep up to 3 with a queen bed and couch that opens to a twin bed. There is ample street parking for free and many restaurants and entertainment are walkable.

Moontower Loft is located in the Mueller neighborhood near downtown Austin, a modern planned community on the site of the former Robert Mueller Municipal Airport, which closed on May 21, 1999. The eco-conscious mixed-use development includes single-family homes and apartment complexes as well as chain retailers and restaurants, plus offices and film studios.

There’s ample green space, including 30-acre Lake Park, with jogging trails and an open-air amphitheater. Plus, it’s a quick Uber to the local attractions.

If you’re heading to Austin for Austin FC, University of Texas, SXSW, Austin City Limits, Formula 1/United States Grand Prix, WGC-Dell Technologies Match Play, and any other event, concert, conference, etc., have a look at the Moontower Loft.

Do You Hear What I Hear?

January 31, 2022 by Shawn Collins

When I was a teenager, I went to a lot of small club shows to see bands. Usually, they were punk bands that played loud and I’d be right in front of the speakers.

The next day at school my ears would be ringing so loud that I could barely hear anything. But it would wear off and I’d go to another show soon after.

I would also listen to my knockoff Walkman at volume 11 whenever I’d walk to work or take the dog out.

My ears were getting abused and I didn’t care, because I wanted my music loud.

At some point, the ringing stopped going away. I had a sort of white noise in my head all of the time.

It wasn’t until I was watching the movie Singles for the first time that I realized there was a name for what I was experiencing… Tinnitus.

The character Steve, played by Campbell Scott, was talking to his friend at a newsstand in a loud voice. The guy running the newsstand shouted, “Watch the volume.”

Steve motioned to his ear, “Tinnitus… club disease.”

The newsstand guy looked annoyed and replied, “You kids are all going to be deaf.”

I realized what I had done and why my ears were always ringing, but I didn’t do anything about it. Instead, I had to often ask people to repeat themselves and I started watching TV with captions.

I’d see commercials for hearing aids, but that wasn’t for me. Hearing aids were for old people. No way I was even going to go in for an appointment.

But the struggle to hear well has gotten more frustrating.

Then I found out that a friend was using some Bose SoundControl Hearing Aids. Maybe they weren’t just for senior citizens after all.

Hearing aids from Bose felt a lot more OK than Miracle-Ear or some other hearing aid that was targeting Boomers.

So I took a hearing screener on the Bose site. It was confirmed that my hearing is crap.

The thought of going to a doctor to get checked out was unattractive to me, so it was awesome that I could buy FDA-cleared hearing aids directly from Bose — no prescription, clinic visits, or copays required.

And the pricing from Bose was a good amount lower than most other hearing aids.

So I ordered my hearing aids and they arrived soon after. They were small and discreet – I don’t think anyone would realize I was wearing them unless they saw my ears from behind. And I got to the point where I really didn’t care.

I’d rather hear better than care about my back of the ear aesthetics.

I don’t know how other hearing aids work, but the Bose SoundControl Hearing Aids are controlled by an app that connects via Bluetooth. I can tweak the settings to make the sound work for me in different environments.

I wish I would have done this sooner because it’s amazing to hear so much more than I had been hearing. The next time you see me I won’t be saying, “What’s that?” nearly as much as I used to.

Hear! Hear!

Get more information about Bose SoundControl Hearing Aids if you are also struggling to hear things clearly.

What’s Gaining on You?

September 3, 2021 by Shawn Collins

I had a couple of songs that became my sort of soundtrack during my entrepreneurial journey, and they sum up how I was feeling during those years and what was driving me internally.
The songs were “Unsatisfied” (1984) by the Replacements and “Can’t Relax” (2011) by the Dead Milkmen.

These two songs resonated with me during a time when no business metric, no achievement, award, accolade, or paycheck was enough.

There is a scene in the original “Death Wish” (1974) movie starring Charles Bronson as a one-man vigilante squad named Paul Kersey that I always liked.

This all ties together. I promise.

At one point, one of Paul Kersey’s colleagues commented, “Somebody once said, I forget who… that he never looked back because something might be gaining on him. What’s gaining on you, Paul?”

So ultimately, what was gaining on me was chasing approval from my father, who passed away a year before Affiliate Summit was founded.

He worked for the federal government and as I worked for various start-ups in the late 1990s and early 2000s, he would give me crap for being a workaholic. It didn’t make sense to him that I felt a compulsion to work evenings and weekends, and that I was anxious for Monday to come to get back at it.

The irony was that I wanted him to see me succeed, but working so much didn’t look like success to him. When he was alive, I was starting to build a name for myself writing a marketing column, speaking at conferences, and getting consistent raises and better jobs.

In the spring of 2001, I was really proud to have my first book (“Successful Affiliate Marketing for Merchants”) published by Que, a division of Macmillan at the time. It was 352 pages of affiliate marketing information that sold well in the blossoming industry.

I gave him a copy and he never cracked it open. It sat on his coffee table. It hurt me that he didn’t have an interest in what was a huge achievement to me. A year later, he was gone.

He was in a medically induced coma for weeks. In his last days, a nurse asked me what he did for work and I was petty and angry that he never read my book, and I said he wrote boring stat reports for the government.

I regretted that for a long time and hoped he didn’t hear me. I was impressed by the work he did and the reverence he received for it.

When we cremated him, my brother and I included some things that had meaning to us to be with him from then on:

Sheet music for the piano for “See You Later, Alligator”
Autographed baseball from David Wells
Yankees World Series 1998 baseball cap
2002 Yankees media guide (he wanted it for Father’s Day and he was gone before I could give it to him)
A copy of my book

He was going to be stuck with my book for eternity. We sprinkled his ashes in places that were special to him: Yankee Stadium, the beaches of Wildwood, NJ, and the Pocono Mountains in Pennsylvania.

My chance to impress him and show him I could be a success had ended. I felt like I was a failure in my dad’s eyes.

It didn’t help many years later when his sister told me he was very worried about me after I graduated college because I was sort of rudderless for a while. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and spent some time as a front desk guy at a hotel and as an assistant manager at a Blockbuster in my hometown.

It was no coincidence that Affiliate Summit began in 2003 – less than a year after he left us. I went about working on that, as well as my full-time job in NYC, and a bunch of consulting, projects, and websites on the side.

As my star continued to rise, I continued to work hard. It was my identity and my pride, but it was never enough. At some point, I remembered the song “Unsatisfied” by the Replacements. I had it on vinyl from my high school days from their album, “Let It Be.”

I found myself playing it over and over on an old record player I’d gathered from my dad’s house. It was just how I felt and it wasn’t something I felt comfortable sharing with anybody…

Look me in the eye, then tell me that I’m satisfied
Was you satisfied?
Look me in the eye, then tell me that I’m satisfied
Hey, are you satisfied?

I wasn’t satisfied. Not by a longshot. By 2008, when I’d stopped working my corporate job and closed out my consulting work, I was focusing solely on Affiliate Summit.

I worked more than when I had multiple jobs. I knew I could never make such a fluid thing perfect, but that didn’t stop me from always trying to perfect it.

In 2010, I moved to Austin and found a life/work balance that I hadn’t bothered to pursue before. It felt better. I was more settled, but not relaxed. I’d see people just chill all of the time and I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t do that, because there was always more to do.

The Dead Milkmen came out with an album called “The King in Yellow” in 2011, and deep into the tracks (15 out of 17) was a song called “Can’t Relax.” It was silly and it was my truth.

Four letter words can have two meanings,
Love, Bleep, and Bleep to name a few,
Sometimes it’s something that you’re feeling,
Other times, it’s something that you do.

Sometimes life is like a puzzle,
With all the pieces on the floor,
And they don’t seem to fit together,
But then the pieces become a door.

I can’t relax, so don’t tell me to relax,
I can’t sit still, so don’t tell me to sit still,
I can’t relax if you tell me to relax,
I can’t relax.

It all comes down to electrons,
Conveying meaning with a spark,
The yin and yang, the ones and zeros,
The push the pull, the light and dark.

In the World of Rod McKuen,
Heat is sound and love is food,
Take life slowly and with feeling,
To gain a winning attitude.

In 2017, we sold Affiliate Summit, and with that, I felt satisfied. I discovered how to relax.

Nothing was gaining on me anymore. I am sure if my dad was still alive that my first book would still be unread by him, as well as the books that came after. And the reality is that they are pretty boring subject matter for anybody not living and breathing it.

But he would have been proud to tell my story to anybody who listened.

Sorry about the book thing, dad.

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